A Terrible Patient
by Death's Daughter
Summary: Mild RemusSirius. Sirius is sick, and he's not terribly pleased about it.


Being sick, Sirius decided, was not fun. Especially when he was sick in the way that made his fusspot boyfriend confine him to bed in an extremely boring manner, dose him up to the eyeballs on muggle and wizarding medicines, then bugger off for hours on end, leaving him alone with only a book, the radio and an extremely grumpy owl for company.

Remus Lupin was being terribly lax in his duties. If he was going to declare Sirius bedridden, then it was only right that _he_ stay and keep Sirius entertained.

Sirius had just gotten into an extremely high-class, Olympic-quality sulk, when he heard the front door open and close and the unmistakeable sound of Remus' footsteps approaching. Moments later, the man in question walked through the bedroom door, carrying a plastic shopping bag and grinning.

"Hello!" He said cheerfully, in the face of Sirius' glare, and moving over to the desk to dump the bag on it.

"_You_," Sirius said wrathfully. "Are a bad boyfriend."

Remus, who had spent the majority of the afternoon trekking up and down both muggle and wizarding high streets in an attempt to find cures for Sirius' various ailments, reacted to this in a manner that did not satisfy Sirius in the slightest, by simply raising his eyebrow and saying,

"Oh?" And then. "I suppose that you don't want any of this stuff then?"

"Presents?" Sirius perked up, looking hopeful. If Remus had brought _presents_ then of course all was forgiven!

"Not exactly…" Remus said, rummaging in the bag and pulling out various items which he dumped on the desk. "I got some more cough medicine from the Chemist in St. Mungo's, some more lozenges – which _I_ shall be taking care of to prevent you from trying to top yourself by eating the whole packet in an hour again…"

"Hey!" Sirius looked hurt. "In my defence, they only warned about possible laxative effects on the packet."

"Which would also be highly unpleasant should you succumb to them." Remus pointed out, tapping a finger against the packet, before slipping it in the back pocket of his trousers, cruelly drawing Sirius' attention to his arse. "I also got you some tissues and a couple of bottles of water because you're a fussy git who won't drink water from the tap."

"You _suck_ at buying presents." Sirius huffed. "I take back my forgiveness. You're still a bad boyfriend."

"You didn't forgive me." Remus pointed out, amused.

"I forgave you in my head." Sirius shot back, folding his arms.

"Oh, well, that's _different_." Remus said, turning back to the desk to hide his laughter. "I do have a couple more things."

"They'd better be good."

"That's for you to decide." Remus turned and tossed a pot to Sirius. "I got that for that rash on your chest. Should clear it right up."

Sirius peered down at the label on the pot – "Mrs Featherwick's All-purpose Fungus Cure."

"Hey!" Sirius exclaimed, offended. "It's not a fungus!" He pulled down the collar of the overlarge T-shirt he was wearing, pointing to one of the discoloured blobs on his chest. "Look! One of them looks like a heart! Anything that gives me heart-shaped blobs _can't_ be a fungus!"

"My mistake." Remus said. "It must be cooties."

Sirius shot his boyfriend a look that quite clearly stated his opinion of Remus' diagnosis, but before he could add words to his expression, he was wracked by a fit of painful, wheezing coughs.

Moving quickly, Remus grabbed one of the bottles of water and twisted off the cap, handing it to Sirius as soon as there was a long enough pause in the coughing, rubbing his back until it calmed down, Sirius gasping in shaking lungfuls of air.

"Better?" Remus asked anxiously, still rubbing Sirius' back, watching the other man's red face and watering eyes carefully. Catching his breath and clutching his stomach, Sirius nodded and Remus relaxed and stood, heading back to the desk and the large packet of boiled sweets Sirius had asked him to get, on the basis that 'he coughed less when he was sucking something'. As this had been said without a trace of a leer, Remus had felt inclined to indulge him.

"Back to my blobs," Sirius said in a croaky voice, after a pause and several painful gulps of water.

"Like I said," Remus said, straightening up the desk. "It's probably just a heat rash caused by those heavy black monstrosities you keep wearing. We just need to get you some lighter robes." He paused, thoughtful. "Maybe some grey ones…"

Sirius choked and Remus spun round, worried that he was going to start coughing again, but saw that his boyfriend was staring at him horrified.

"I'm not wearing grey robes!" He expostulated. "Black robes are all I need! Merlin, next you'll be trying to dress me in…_khaki_ or something!" He looked revolted. "You'll have me dressing like that nance who was in the year below us – what was his name? Lockheed? Lockhead?" He snickered. "Blockhead."

"Lockheart." Remus corrected, suppressing a smile. "And I'm sure he's grown out of that by now." He crumpled up the plastic bag and shoved it in a drawer, moving back to the bed and sitting on the edge of it, pushing some of Sirius' hair out of his face. "You want anything to eat?" He asked gently.

"No." Sirius muttered sulkily. "Want a kiss."

"I'm not kissing you." Remus said. "For one thing, I know for a _fact_ that you haven't brushed your teeth today, and for another, I don't want your cough."

Sirius, who had opened his mouth to protest that his oral hygiene could easily be sorted because he needed to pee anyway and there was no _way_ he was using a chamber pot, closed his mouth with a snap and pouted.

"You suck." He grumbled, flopping back against the numerous pillows propped up behind him.

"No," Remus said, grinning and pressing the packet of sweets into Sirius' hands as he stood. "You do."

He left Sirius muttering darkly, but returned a little while later and regained his boyfriend's favour with his offering of cheese on toast.

Sirius Black, Remus thought, amused, as he watched his boyfriend tuck in happily, really was a terrible patient.


End file.
